something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I pour the whiskey from now on
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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