you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
