I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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