Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I think i got beer on your cat.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
