your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Randomize
