Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
not ubering you a puppy
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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