I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
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