i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
