the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
