The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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