How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
