I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
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