She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
He shit in the fireplace
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
