Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
