SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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