I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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