I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
