If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
