I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
