piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
