Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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