It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
