We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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