Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
