The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
