Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
