Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
