My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
