I'm so fucking centered right now
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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