When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Randomize
