I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize