I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
