You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
