one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
