saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize