Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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