how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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