I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize