woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Randomize
