Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
