im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
