It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
