Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
