my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
