He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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