She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
