wanna go halves on a baby?
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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