My first STD was from a foam party
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
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