I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
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