So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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