seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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