i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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