I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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