i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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