i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
