i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
he wants to bone in the snuggie
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
