sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
3pm strippers are depressing
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
