She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
