I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Randomize
