Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
