happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
