I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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