So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
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