You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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